I've been wanting to make this post for a good few months now but as i knew it would be quite a deep and long one I've put it off and off - then October came around and as it is Mental Health Awareness Month I thought, god I have no excuse!!
So basically, yea - i have social anxiety. According to the doctor its quite a severe case too. I have had it from as long as I can remember though strangely enough I have, well since December 2015, never even linked it to Anxiety! I have watched 'Youtubers' and a popular Youtuber called Zoella (you MUST have heard of her) has also talked openly about her anxiety - again even watching that I never thought myself of having it either. I thought anxiety was panic attack related and all that malarky and I couldn't even imagine what a panic attack was as I've never had one so instantly thought nope thats not me then.
All my life I have felt very isolated with this and very alone and just thought I was a 'weirdo'.
The earliest case of this I can remember is being in year 10 maybe so about 14 and going to town with my best friend and for some reason asking her to pay (with my money) for my clothes in River Island whilst I stood right next to her and pretended they were hers. I think I remember just saying I was scared. I have always been a shy quite quiet person so it probably didn't seem too weird. However as I grow up I have more independent encounters. If my mum is there with me I am absolutely fine but on my own... or with new people = awful.
I am very funny about drinking - unknown why. I don't drink much maybe it's because I am out of control of myself. I drink occasionally at home here and there but I am 21 now and still have never ever brought an alcoholic drink at a bar. There are a few reasons for this; if I drink when I go out it means I will have to get a taxi home (which equals more social contact I am not used to, I usually am the driver) and also I am nervous for ordering at a bar incase I get the wrong name or drink or something and people laugh at me haha it sounds pathetic now I write it all down but I am terrified of people laughing at me. I have never been able to go out for drinks on a first date or anything like that just incase there are some socially awkward situations with staff etc. I have only ever been to one nightclub on my 18th birthday in my local town. It was okay but I have never been again - I get funny with places I don't know and there were so many rooms and floors and it the pitch black with loads of people I wouldn't know how to leave and I would get scared I would be lost if I was on my own. It's all those 'what ifs' that truly destroy me really.
I have never gotten public transport on my own. Say if I ask the bus driver for the wrong place... The awkward chats with the taxi driver and say if he is a bit of a weirdo... Getting on the wrong train with loads of crowds... It makes me nervous just writing about it.
I am SO jealous of people who can just nip to uni on the train or shopping or a weekend away, it takes me weeks of building myself up to it and intense planning. I need to know exactly what time, and where we will be going. I am uneasy in places I haven't been before - I like to know the layout etc before I go. This translates to lots of things; new restaurants I will try and google the place to see the pictures of inside, new jobs - I will try and Facebook and try and find some photos. More recently I have been referred to therapy which is a small building in the middle of my town above a shop. But as it is above a shop you can't see in, and it is blocked by two huge wooden doors. Which absolutely terrifies me - do I walk in and suddenly presented by a reception desk and loads of people looking at me? Do I have to go up some stairs? Its actually quite exhausting on my brain all these questions and making my own answers.
People who don't have these problems are SO lucky and I am so intensely jealous of people being able to go on a night out with their boyfriend and just little things like that that people take for granted and don't even give it a second thought.
Before I realised what I had, I had a few boyfriends over the years that I have struggled to do things with that ultimately, eventually probably led to the very hard break ups.
When I was 16, I had a boyfriend for 8 months and in that whole 8 months we went out for dinner once in Pizza Hut which I was SO nervous about I remember. Then lunch once in a local farm style cafe - which again I was so nervous I remember pushing him to go up and order/pay at the bar so I could avoid any social chats with the staff - however when the time comes to it, and suddenly the waitress is there I am absolutely fine - its just the thought of it.
The second boyfriend I had when I was 18. We both could drive at this time and I never drove him ANYWHERE. I was SO nervous for him to be in the car, saying thank you to people and all that just made me nervous. He would always bring it up in was very obvious I would do anything to avoid taking him at all costs. We would go to the same restaurant every time, sit in the same place and even order the same food ( to the point where the staff would know our order before we sat down - which was actually bit embarrassing)
In December my friend from Uni, also had anxiety but a slightly different version and was on medication and I remember loosely getting into a conversation with her and she mentioned something unusual that made her nervous as well as me. This was the first and only time I thought oh my god why I am so weird is that I have anxiety!
Shortly after I went to a doctor to talk about it and fully broke down. I filled out a little survey and he prescribed me Anti-Depressants. The first dose was quite high - I have never taken them before and I was put on a 35mg dose when the usual is about 5/10mg so it really had an effect on me. Almost straight after taking them I was incredibly poorly. Chucking up everything I ate and drank. I slept so much and lost so much weight. A week later I went back and he said they had most likely poisoned me. So I was put on another type. I increased and increased and now I am on the highest dose 40mg. I have been on them ever since so about 10 months now and whether its my mind set and now I know i'm not a weirdo - whenever I feel nervous I can override the thoughts by saying 'its just my anxiety'. I can breakdown the situation and think to myself what is actually making me nervous that I haven't done before? and when I do that I think - god theres actually nothing to be nervous and worried about. If there is a problem - I will just sort it out and ask someone.
I do have a boyfriend now - but someone I have known for years. Maybe its a different kind of 'love' but I have been able to be so much more comfortable with him than anyone beforehand. We go to new places for dinner and try new things, he doesn't drive so I drive him around nearly every day - we live together at my parents. We are in the process of buying a house so we have regular meetings with mortgage people (eeek) and regular appointments with estate agents/families selling their houses and viewing around them. My confidence has grown so much - maybe it is because I am at that age where I HAVE to be independent - having my own house and sorting all out etc.
We went to Torquay with his family but had to get the train back as we both had work that we couldn't book off. I was incredibly nervous as it was a 4 hour train ride back to where we live. I managed to find a train that had no changes (a nightmare of mine - running to the next train and missing it and being stuck somewhere) and as soon as we got on the train I was absolutely fine. It's just always the thoughts of these things.
I still get nervous answering the phone/answering the door. But once I have made that decision and pulled the door handle/picked up the phone; I am absolutely fine with dealing with any problem. I am still nervous about getting a train and meeting new important people etc. But its lessened so much that I can override and actually do those things with slight nerves rather than avoiding those situations completely and becoming isolated.
I don't really know where I am going with this post but it is something I have always wanted to post and write about.
Maybe it is because when I was struggling before my diagnose I couldn't find anyone with the same problems as me. I want people who think they are 'weirdos' to know they aren't and they do a have a problem that needs some help.
Love S x
I am very funny about drinking - unknown why. I don't drink much maybe it's because I am out of control of myself. I drink occasionally at home here and there but I am 21 now and still have never ever brought an alcoholic drink at a bar. There are a few reasons for this; if I drink when I go out it means I will have to get a taxi home (which equals more social contact I am not used to, I usually am the driver) and also I am nervous for ordering at a bar incase I get the wrong name or drink or something and people laugh at me haha it sounds pathetic now I write it all down but I am terrified of people laughing at me. I have never been able to go out for drinks on a first date or anything like that just incase there are some socially awkward situations with staff etc. I have only ever been to one nightclub on my 18th birthday in my local town. It was okay but I have never been again - I get funny with places I don't know and there were so many rooms and floors and it the pitch black with loads of people I wouldn't know how to leave and I would get scared I would be lost if I was on my own. It's all those 'what ifs' that truly destroy me really.
I have never gotten public transport on my own. Say if I ask the bus driver for the wrong place... The awkward chats with the taxi driver and say if he is a bit of a weirdo... Getting on the wrong train with loads of crowds... It makes me nervous just writing about it.
I am SO jealous of people who can just nip to uni on the train or shopping or a weekend away, it takes me weeks of building myself up to it and intense planning. I need to know exactly what time, and where we will be going. I am uneasy in places I haven't been before - I like to know the layout etc before I go. This translates to lots of things; new restaurants I will try and google the place to see the pictures of inside, new jobs - I will try and Facebook and try and find some photos. More recently I have been referred to therapy which is a small building in the middle of my town above a shop. But as it is above a shop you can't see in, and it is blocked by two huge wooden doors. Which absolutely terrifies me - do I walk in and suddenly presented by a reception desk and loads of people looking at me? Do I have to go up some stairs? Its actually quite exhausting on my brain all these questions and making my own answers.
People who don't have these problems are SO lucky and I am so intensely jealous of people being able to go on a night out with their boyfriend and just little things like that that people take for granted and don't even give it a second thought.
Before I realised what I had, I had a few boyfriends over the years that I have struggled to do things with that ultimately, eventually probably led to the very hard break ups.
When I was 16, I had a boyfriend for 8 months and in that whole 8 months we went out for dinner once in Pizza Hut which I was SO nervous about I remember. Then lunch once in a local farm style cafe - which again I was so nervous I remember pushing him to go up and order/pay at the bar so I could avoid any social chats with the staff - however when the time comes to it, and suddenly the waitress is there I am absolutely fine - its just the thought of it.
The second boyfriend I had when I was 18. We both could drive at this time and I never drove him ANYWHERE. I was SO nervous for him to be in the car, saying thank you to people and all that just made me nervous. He would always bring it up in was very obvious I would do anything to avoid taking him at all costs. We would go to the same restaurant every time, sit in the same place and even order the same food ( to the point where the staff would know our order before we sat down - which was actually bit embarrassing)
In December my friend from Uni, also had anxiety but a slightly different version and was on medication and I remember loosely getting into a conversation with her and she mentioned something unusual that made her nervous as well as me. This was the first and only time I thought oh my god why I am so weird is that I have anxiety!
Shortly after I went to a doctor to talk about it and fully broke down. I filled out a little survey and he prescribed me Anti-Depressants. The first dose was quite high - I have never taken them before and I was put on a 35mg dose when the usual is about 5/10mg so it really had an effect on me. Almost straight after taking them I was incredibly poorly. Chucking up everything I ate and drank. I slept so much and lost so much weight. A week later I went back and he said they had most likely poisoned me. So I was put on another type. I increased and increased and now I am on the highest dose 40mg. I have been on them ever since so about 10 months now and whether its my mind set and now I know i'm not a weirdo - whenever I feel nervous I can override the thoughts by saying 'its just my anxiety'. I can breakdown the situation and think to myself what is actually making me nervous that I haven't done before? and when I do that I think - god theres actually nothing to be nervous and worried about. If there is a problem - I will just sort it out and ask someone.
I do have a boyfriend now - but someone I have known for years. Maybe its a different kind of 'love' but I have been able to be so much more comfortable with him than anyone beforehand. We go to new places for dinner and try new things, he doesn't drive so I drive him around nearly every day - we live together at my parents. We are in the process of buying a house so we have regular meetings with mortgage people (eeek) and regular appointments with estate agents/families selling their houses and viewing around them. My confidence has grown so much - maybe it is because I am at that age where I HAVE to be independent - having my own house and sorting all out etc.
We went to Torquay with his family but had to get the train back as we both had work that we couldn't book off. I was incredibly nervous as it was a 4 hour train ride back to where we live. I managed to find a train that had no changes (a nightmare of mine - running to the next train and missing it and being stuck somewhere) and as soon as we got on the train I was absolutely fine. It's just always the thoughts of these things.
I still get nervous answering the phone/answering the door. But once I have made that decision and pulled the door handle/picked up the phone; I am absolutely fine with dealing with any problem. I am still nervous about getting a train and meeting new important people etc. But its lessened so much that I can override and actually do those things with slight nerves rather than avoiding those situations completely and becoming isolated.
I don't really know where I am going with this post but it is something I have always wanted to post and write about.
Maybe it is because when I was struggling before my diagnose I couldn't find anyone with the same problems as me. I want people who think they are 'weirdos' to know they aren't and they do a have a problem that needs some help.
Love S x
